Dear Doctor Doom,

“I have been vegan for about three years. It wasn’t really a specific decision to ‘go vegan’; it just sort of happened gradually. I was already vegetarian but I don’t like milk or eggs, or cheese. It’s not that I particularly disliked them; I was indifferent to them at least, but I prefer food that doesn’t contain those things.

I also became a bike messenger about three years ago. Food availability was, and is still not really a problem – it is easy to find a hummous baguette, or a jacket potato with beans, or chips and a vegetable pasty, or even just a flapjack of some sort. There’s also a vegan shop in town where I can get cakes, sausage rolls, pasties and so on.

My problem, Dr. Doom, is that buying food in town is way more expensive than making it at home and taking it to work in a lunchbox. You know how hungry you get when you’re on a bike all day, and I was spending up to £6 a day on food.

You’re probably thinking, “What is this guy’s problem? So make your vegan freak-food at home and bring it to work!” but it’s not really that easy. The best, most portable and easiest to eat kind of food is the sandwich. But vegan sandwhiches are either messy and sloppy (for example hummous sandwhiches), bad-tasting (e.g. that fake cheese stuff), unfilling (e.g. those thin slices of fake meat), or just plain poor (e.g. peanut butter).

So, Doctor, my question is, do you have any ideas on how to make a good vegan sandwich? Or should I go back to cheese? I believe Sliced cheddar is the only good vegetarian sandwhich filling with a decent amount of protein in it.

Yours sincerely,

A. Gnave”

Dear Mr/Ms Gnave

First of all, what a coincidence that your last name is an anagram of ‘vegan’.

Second of all, I’m a doctor*, not a fucking food expert. Why not try asking your question at Vegan Forums (frequented by a few arseholes, so I’m not linking to it), or at Vegan Fitness?

Thirdly, I believe a hard-working urban athlete such as yourself would require mostly carbs while at work. I couple of packets of wholemeal bagels should see you through the day (did you know that wholemeal bread is 12% protein? That’s not as high as cheese (~25%) for example, but it’s far from low. It isn’t a complete protein source though – it doesn’t contain all the essential amino acids) and you could always eat a shitload of hummous later on to compensate.

Now f*ck off and stop asking me these stupid questions, I’ve got patients to see!

*Disclaimer: ‘Doctor’ Doom is not a real doctor.