An illustrated guide to cycling in traffic

I notice that some cyclists in Brummagem don’t seem to have a clue about cycling in slow-moving traffic. I often come across a knobbly-tyred mountain bike-mounted mentalist who gives it their all, staying next to the kerb, overtaking everyone on their left-hand side, then coming to an abrupt halt as soon as the gap closes between the vehicle in front and the kerb. I will from now on refer to them as ‘twatface’ and assume that they are male.

I’m riding slower than twatface, but I’m using my head and riding smoother than him. I’m constantly looking ahead (and behind), not trying to go fast or get in front of anyone but just trying to flow and avoid stopping. But twatface keeps trying (and succeeding) to get in front of me by pedalling really hard and then overtaking me on my left. Nevertheless, somehow he always ends up 6 cars behind me a few seconds later (see picture below). This keeps happening, over and over again, for the entire length of the road. Why does twatface keep putting all that effort into going fast and overtaking, if he’s going to keep stopping every few seconds? Does he not realise that every time he has to stop, he has lost all the momentum that he built up, therefore he has wasted most of the energy that he has put into propelling his bicycle forwards?

Twatface hasn’t grasped the idea that smoothness, observation and flow beats speed every time. Twatface also hasn’t grasped the idea that you don’t stay next to the kerb while overtaking vehicles in slow-moving traffic, unless there’s no other option. First of all there’s barely enough room for a cyclist to pass between the kerb and the vehicle, and secondly, if you do that then you are eventually going to end up next to a bus or taxi that’s about to pull in and let passengers out. Thirdly, if there’s a side road, it’s not unlikely that either a) someone travelling in the same direction as you might turn left without indicating or checking their mirror or b) someone coming in the opposite direction might turn right into that side road (see picture below). In situation (b) you are invisible to that person until the very moment that you unexpectedly emerge from that gap between vehicle and kerb. So, by riding always on the left you either get stuck behind buses , or stuck between vehicles and the kerb, or if you’re unlucky, you get knocked off your bike. Clever!

So twatface manages to get in front of me again, but he keeps getting stuck behind a bus that has stopped, or stuck inbetween a vehicle and the kerb, because he’s too stupid/inexperienced/scared to overtake it properly, i.e. on the right hand side, in the middle of the road. When twatface finally gets moving I’m way in front despite pedalling slower than him – but this doesn’t sink in, and he still keeps doing the same thing. It’s like a game of leapfrog, but 1000% more annoying!!!

You might be wondering what my problem is; if someone overtakes me, then what’s so annoying about that? Well, nothing. I don’t mind being overtaken by another cyclist at all- if you’re faster than me, then fair enough, go ahead. I’ll stay behind you because I know I’d be holding you up if I was in front of you. Ok so I might get a bit jealous and think “you wouldn’t be so fast with one gear instead of 27, you smug bastard”, but I’m not going to try and get in front of you to try and prove something.

But when someone you’ve overtaken ten seconds ago suddenly appears in the small gap between you and the kerb, shoots in front of you and then stops behind a car a few seconds later, you have to overtake them again, not knowing whether they’re going to move in front of you or not. That is slightly annoying. But it’s potentially dangerous too: when twatface is overtaking a load of slow-moving vehicles on their left hand side, some of the kinder and slightly more observant drivers out there tend to notice twatface trying to come past through that tiny gap between their vehicle and the kerb. So they move the vehicle a few feet away from the kerb in order to give him more room. While twatface the kerb-hugger is enjoying this extra room on the left, proper cyclists and motorcyclists are left with little or no room to overtake on the right (see picture below).

One day, I almost got knocked into oncoming traffic by a driver as he moved over to the right to let a cyclist come through the gap on his left – he didn’t notice that I was coming past on his right until the last minute. He thought he was doing one cyclist a favour, but at the same time he was almost crashing into another. For once I actually felt sorry for a driver who almost knocked me off.

So the moral of the story is this: if your name is twatface, do you and I a favour: learn to ride a bike properly for fuck’s sake! Slow the fuck down and use your head. You will get home quicker and so will I.