Doctor Doom

Dear Doctor Doom

I can’t seem to slow down on the weekends. I was just going for a leisure ride and then a trip down the grocers to get some vegetables but I ended up riding like I ride at work. I almost crashed into 10 pedestrians, went through 14 red lights and got cut up by 32 motor vehicles. I seem to get mesmerized by the rhythm of my pedal revolutions and then I end up in a trance that forces me to go fast and try my best not to break the rhythm. How can I stop this from happening?

- Mr Messenger Man

Dear Mr Messenger Man

It’s hard to switch from ‘courier mode’ to ‘leisure’ mode.

It helps to ride a slower bike. Like a singlespeed mountain bike with a low gear and knobbly tyres. You try and go fast on that and you will soon learn your lesson.

It also helps to have a few beers or a spliff. This should relax you. If you overdress, you’ll be warm before you’ve even started pedalling. This will stop you from being tempted to ride faster in order to warm up. And if you listen to music while riding, don’t listen to fast music. Stick some old dub on your music player and chill out to de rootical vibrations and ting.

If all that fails, just take your hand brake(s) off and wear normal shoes. Without any easy way of stopping, you’re guaranteed to ride like your nan.

It takes a while to get used to the fact that doesn’t matter that you’re not going anywhere near as fast as you can go. You can have your adrenalie buzz on Monday. Now chill and enjoy the scenery – it’s Friday ffs!

Now bend over and let me stick this thermometer right up your arse.

- Doctor Doom