MORE Bloody Vegans!

Oh god, not more bloody vegans. Argh, I dunno. How the hell do these people survive without the vital elements of nutrition: meat, milk, and eggs? Surely it must be a bit of a grim life, when you can’t eat the things that you love (for example bacon. EVERYONE loves bacon). Denying yourself the pleasure of animal products must be pretty depressing! And where do you get protein and iron if you don’t eat meat? And you don’t drink milk – what about calcium?!! Oh my god, these vegans must be the most unhealthy, scrawny, vitamin-deficient weaklings on earth.

Exhibit A: Nhatt Attack

It is obvious that this young lady is lacking the vital nutrition that animal products contain. Just look at her face! You can tell that she is tired and weak due to the lack of animal products in her diet, and her facial expression clearly manifests a longing desperation for steak and eggs. She is clearly an unhealthy woman, struggling to ride her bike due to the poor health for which her inferior diet is responsible. Malnutrition on wheels!

Note that she doesn’t have any brakes. That’s because she doesn’t even need brakes. This is clearly due to the fact that vegans do not have enough strength to create a significant forward motion. Think about it: if you’re not strong enough to go make a bike go forwards then why would you need a brake to make it stop?

Sadly vegans are doomed to failure, especially in roller races.

Exhibit B: Thom.

Thom also rides with no brakes. He is a part time courier in B*rmingham. Why only part time? Because he is vegan of course. It would be impossible for Thom to work full time, because his vegan diet has made him so weak that he cannot endure full-time courierisationment. In fact for every hour that Thom works, he has to rest for 3 days so that his protein-deficient vegan muscles can recover. Lord knows how he is going to compete at Rollapaluza in Manchester.

As you will see in the photo, he is clearly dying of malnutrition. But as we all know, vegans are so self-righteous that they will not even begin to admit they are unhealthy. Obviously Thom is just too weak to ride a bike effectively, but he is too stubborn and uncompromising to admit defeat.

Exhibit C: Unidentified roller racer

I cannot reveal the identity of the dreadlocked guy on the left, but he is obviously losing this roller race by a mile. This is despite the fact that the roller race only lasted 0.31 miles. So how do you lose a roller race by a whole mile, when the race only lasts for less than a third of a mile? By being a vegan of course. His almost non-existant muscles are so weak that when he tried to pedal forwards, the pedals actually went backwards for 1109 metres and 34.4 centimetres*.

His dreadlocks would suggest that he is some sort of Rasta, or has at least been influenced somewhat by Rastas. Many Rastas are “I-tal” which means they follow a strict vegetarian diet (i.e. vegan), free of artificial additives and all that crap. Well, why do you think no Rastas win the Olympic games? Why are there no Rastas beating the competition on the velodromes? I’ll tell you why, and it’s not because they smoke too much weed, nor because their massive dreadlocks create too much aerodynamic resistance. Neither is it because they’re too busy chilling out to rootical reggae vibrations. It’s because they are vegan, thus, they are too damned weak!

Photo credits Nhatt photo taken by Selimski. Roller Race photo taken by Nickisconfused. Thom photo by MoD.

*For those who are poor at maths, 500metres plus 1109 metres and 34.4 centimetres = 1 mile