I Bike MCR – Yo Fixie comp

I arrived in Manchester around 3pm, to find that the event wouldn’t start until six. This was bad news for me, as my girlfriend had forced her plans on me earlier on in the day, meaning I was pussy-whipped into leaving early. I had planned to come to this event three weeks ago and was really excited about it, yet at short notice I had been guilt-tripped into leaving early to go out with the girlfriend and her mate. I became impatient, tense, and unable to keep my mind off getting out of here and getting back on the train to Brum. I shouldn’t have given in; it ruined my day. Of course, this was completely my fault.

Trackstand

I must stop thinking that beer constitutes a good quality sports drink. Lucozade, maybe, or even coffee. But I should have realised that beer wouldn’t help me to trackstand. I flaked, but afterwards I trackstanded no-handed long enough to eat a banana with one hand and drink a Guinness with the other. Clodge won. Of course, I flaked on purpose because I didn’t want to shame the Manchester lot by beating them at their own event…

Devil takes the slowest bastard

Last person across the finish line gets scrubbed until the leader is left on his own. The leader was Clodge. I had to let him win, because I didn’t want to bring shame upon the Manchester crew. Imagine how embarrassed they would have been if a Brummie came and beat all of them in a race on their own streets?

Anyway – I was in third, but I was feeling pissed. Two brown Erdingers and a Guinness is alll it took to fuck my performance up. I felt like I was breathing pure alcohol vapour out of my lungs. A guy overtook me, so I tried to fight back. I was on his back wheel for ages but just couldn’t pass him.I tried to get back to third by using a tactical approach, i.e. cutting a corner. But I was going too fast, and clipped my pedal on the floor as I leaned over too far. Fell straight to my ass.

Then, as I tried to get back into the race, I was cut up by a car turning right withhout indicating, and overtaken by the guy who was in 5th. Clodge won, followed by a guy on a very old, wartime bike with luggage on the panniers. The bike looked like a motor bike…

If I’d got my act together and stayed off the booze I reckon I could have taken 3rd (was there a prize for third?), and the trackstand comp too,cos I can trackstand forever. But ifs and buts don’t count in the real world… anyway, I lost ON PURPOSE OK?!

Skid marks

The skid comp area was a dry road. I can skid on dry road… for about a kilometre. So I stayed out of this one to avoid shaming the Manchester crew.

Clodge destroyed the competition. Well almost. Luke turned up at the crucial moment and destroyed clodge’s attempts. I didn’t know if I was disappointed or not – it would be ace to see one person win it all, but then again, it’s boring if one person pisses all over the competition and wins everything…

I’m on the train home now, when I should be in the pub getting to know people, and making a fool of myself. This is the price you pay for having a girlfriend. Don’t do it to yourself – stay single.

Notes

Next week I’ll be attending a 2-week course titled “how to corner a fixed wheel bicycle without falling over and making a fool of yourself”.

My arse is on fire, not just because I’m liar liar, but because I’ve got road rash and the sweat is stinging it

I have learnt that alcohol must not be consumed before riding events, no matter how nervous you are

Everything in the above story is true apart from the bit where I lost on purpose

I would have liked to have illustrated this with more photos. However, I couldn’t find the stash of 20 CR123A batteries,one of which was required to power my trusty canon eos 5. I also left my workphone at home, and had to make do with my shitty personal phone